I’m just about as good as they come. But then again, I’m also as bad as they can get.
As a Man…
I don’t want to find a girl to help me masturbate.no.no.no.no.I can do that plenty fine myself thank you. I don’t want to find a girl I can cry on. I’ve got a mother for that grave or not. and I don’t want to find a girl for me to live. I’m doing that already. What I want. What I want. What I want. What. Is to find…a girl…who can help pleasure me deep inside. In places I can’t reach. One who would be willing, to stick her hands through all the rotten dirt and grime building up inside me, to find my heart of hearts and help me polish it. I want her to spit on it, to rub it hard and fast. To make it stainless. So much that when she chucks it back in, it would be incorruptible. A jewel shining in complete black. A light no sin can tarnish. I want to carry that inside me. I want to show it off to all my friends. I want for that star to shine so bright, that it will shed the shadows off my flesh. I want to be a better man.
I want to write something more interesting than sex.
Now i can start searching again…
Usagi Now
White lines chase across my forehead. Crossing beneath the lies I once told to myself. To convince the person within that the truth made of fluff fantasies never existed. The things which I once took as real seemed so brittle once I got a hold of them. Their glowing radiance turned to ash upon my touch. Was it these nervous, trembling extensions of mine that cause your fragile existence to collapse? Or was it just my twisted perception of all that you held. Warping your visage farther and farther away from my sight. Perhaps the only truths that matter are the ones we can live with. Up or down. Otherwise we never do learn those hard lessons thrown straight pitches at us. We just fall and crumble under the pressure of responsibilities and hopes. Responsibilities that are very much real. Ones that I chose to carry, and ones that left me no choice but to burden. But sometimes I find myself bearing that weight to sustain a hope with no substance. What else is it but the false pretense of a better tomorrow? Because try as I might to keep the fire alive, I often take for granted its power to sustain my very own drive to live. Once I let it fall to pieces, so does my very own world. Once I catch myself awake at the bottom’s end, I realize what horrible mistakes I’ve committed. And I pity. Not those I have hurt, but myself for allowing the child grow up to become such a monster that it haunts my waking dreams. I can pledge to do better, I can indeed, but that won’t help if there’s nothing to show for.
Today I met a rabbit. Her color so silver and brown. Her scent of such fresh green. Her eyes of lucid black. An her appearance of such tender innocence. I butchered that rabbit and hung her up on the back of my mind. Severing her toes and tossing them to the trash. Her ears I kept adorning her head. Out of respect for her grace. And so she can perhaps hear my confessions and one day speak to me in fair game.
“Reign Over Me” - Adam Sandler & Don Cheadle (2007)
Reblogged from fromme-toyou
again.
She came to me in a dream again. It’s been a while. I must say, I was a bit relieved to see her. But at the same time, her appearance troubles me some. I’d thought I had forgotten all about her by now. That I had left her behind some closed door. I guess not. Above all else, you can’t lie about your own dreams. But for one who is trying to find himself, why did the dream have to be so cruel? The taste of happiness in a dream leaves one with a bitter reality when you wake. The time I shared with her then, as a stranger, felt so real. Almost as if I was living in it another yesterday. But in truth, no such thing had ever occurred. Makes me wonder if it will. My faith had been torn asunder. Maybe this is a sign of it trying to build anew.
Twisted Desires
I am fascinated by your beauty. Even more so by your ugly. Indeed, I lust for the grotesque, as it’s nature beckons my curiosity. Your vulgar figure tempts my masochistic urges. I take pleasure in raping your suffering and pains. Your sinful pleasures bask me in rapture. I revel in guiltless ecstasy as your regrets consume you. And my avarice only craves for more of your allure. For it is my shallow bliss. My sweet drug. My ambrosia. My life.
Words seem beautiful when you don’t know from where it came.
Listening to music is like having casual sex: you repeat it so much that it grows numb till you forget what it first meant, something so beautifully intimate.
I giveth her, that which she needs: The truth. I hideth her, that which she fears: My truth. I taketh her, that which she guards: Her truth. I knowest not, that which she desires: answers. But I have faith she will find that which is right: herself.
All state of mind
You’ll never know till you try.
Just as pain is only in the mind. So as love.
It’s only real when you feel it. It’ll make sense.
For the rest, its temporary.
(Source: xtmae)
Trail of Corpses: Epilogue II
Wow. That would mark the first time I’ve ever heard my father seriously talk about his past. Back at McDonalds, Long-ge, Mei and I remain silent after listening to his past. Baba grabs onto his chest as if he was having a heart attack. Long-ge reaches over to him and asks if Ba is alright. Baba waves his hand in response. Raising his head and looking at me dead in the eye he says, “I want you to remember this. I want you to pass on this story to your children. I want you to teach them what I have taught you.” Not sure if I can. “We will,” my siblings and I reply. Baba nods in satisfaction. He relaxes and closes his eyes to rest. Sitting across from him, I silently observe my old man. The cracks and shadows across his face reflect an appearance beyond his age. He seems almost relieved of a burden he had been carrying forever.
After Baba had rested enough, he tells us to get ready to leave. He takes off ahead to the car with Mei leaving me and Long-ge to clean up the mess. We pick up the sandwich wrappings and place them onto a tray to dump. As we finish and exit the building, I hold the door ajar for Long-ge and ask, “Hey, do you think there will be a day where we will go through the same thing as Baba?” He pauses a moment to think, looking towards the car where Ba and Mei are. He sighs. Raising his hand, Long-ge pats me on the head and says, “Don’t worry too much about it.” Ah.
